“Money, money, money, must be funny – in a rich man’s world”
I’ve had a very up and down month, ridiculously so. To cut a long story short, I’m completely flat broke, overdrafts, credit cards, everything maxed out. And I also lost my job, because they were cutting people at work because they couldn’t afford to keep them. Also I kept missing work because I was ill, guess that’s not fair but what can you do? My phone got cut off because I couldn’t afford to pay my bill and I had a panic attack. The first one I’ve had in a long time, I started hyperventilating. Luckily one of my flatmates was in and got me to breathe into a paper bag and calmed me down. But still. I just hate having to feel so helpless all the time. This financial situation worries me dreadfully, I’m a finalist and I really don’t need the stress. But I bucked myself up, went home and grabbed all my bank statements and bills and applied for the hardship scholarship from the university the next day. It helped to organise myself, and realised that I shouldn’t always bury my head in the sand. Since last week, they’ve awarded me some money which is good. I’ve managed to pay off a very high interest credit card and pay some debts back to people that I owe them and have a bit left over, which hopefully will tide me over until my next loan installment. I’m still looking for a job though…and that worries me. Also I’ve been feeling low because I’ve just had an operation to remove my wisdom teeth, so I’m home for a week, being essentially bored. I’m so bored the TV doesn’t even entertain me! I was just talking to my friend who’s studying abroad and he told me to take time out for myself, and focus on getting my stuff down instead of being down about being alone. I am a very active person, being sedentary and staying in doesn’t suit me, but at least I have extensions on my deadlines which is great because I am really behind on my work. Also I havn’t been able to eat properly due to my teeth, and that gets me down, because it takes me ages to eat anything soft, and I’m sick of soup. I’m even sick of ice cream and I’d never thought I’d say that! I also keep losing weight, which most girls tell me how lucky I am, not really, I don’t want to look like a skeleton! I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this Friday, so I’ll be going into uni with my hamster face (haha) to have a chat with her. I also see a psychologist for fortnightly CBT sessions, last time she spoke about having my dose increased (I’m on 100mg) at the moment, I really hope that doesn’t happen. As I mentioned before in my blog post, I went to Spain to visit some friends of mine. I really needed that trip and I’m so glad I went, although I wish I could have stayed longer. My friend kept trying to make me down shots of tequila, and no-one would accept my excuses, so finally I whispered in his ear that I was on anti-depressants. He dropped it, but I felt I should bring it up later. He’s a very practical person and he was very blunt about it, asking me to tell me why I was depressed and he said he’d give me reasons for it. Well, that was pretty hurtful and I told him that my depression wasn’t a choice and that it took me a long time to come to terms for it and there isn’t one reason why, or even reasons why. After I said that, he sensed I was pretty upset and asked me what had been going on. I told him about my family’s financial worries, and about my sister. He was really nice to me, and told me that I should have told him. I said I didn’t want to bother him, since he lives abroad and studies at a uni in Scotland. I feel much better for having told him, and we are much closer. I do feel very lucky to have such great friends. I also wish I had the opportunity to do a year abroad, I really would have enjoyed it. Still I plan to apply for internships abroad after I graduate, so that would be really good. I think the biggest challenge for me at the moment is to keep on top of things, and to not complicate things by taking on too much. Also not to move my jaw too much because it pulls on my stitches and I really don’t want to end up with infected gums! It’s pretty difficult, I like to get down to things and just do them, but one of those things I excel at is procrastination. I have 3 essays due and a project…time to get down to it…
Comment by Tomas posted on Thu, 04/12/2008 17:15
Hey, it sounds like there’s been mammoth pressure on you because it can be realy tough w/out like a financial sponsorship. It also doesn’t help that it never rains, it pours) So you should be commended on your coping. Not out my head in the sand I think is the ultimate solution) I think you’re quite a mature person which I can see in your blogs. Perhaps you are able to look at yourself objectively and analyze the situation and that’s always good. Hey, despite there being so many hurdles you managed to keep your sense of humor. It’s good there was some change of scenery (ohhhhh it’s another three weeks till I go to Norwich for Xmas…serenity…ahhhhhh) anyway I think you’re undersetimating yourself! And it;e yeah great you’ve got friends like that) They’re not so commonplace as they should be-T
Comment by Charlie posted on Thu, 20/11/2008 10:20
Telling someone about how you’re feeling/have felt/generally what’s going on with you is far more helpful than I think anyone realises until they’ve done it. It’s great you managed to tell your friend, though =) Also, sometimes people are just crap. I stopped drinking for a bit at the start of this year at uni and the pressure I had to drink was awful (apart from the people who knew why I wasn’t). I’d never really thought about it before, but it’s a bit pathetic.