Ok a long awaited blog post, I apologise…uni likes to pile on a lot of work on you at the end of term.
A lot of stuff has been happening over the last month or so – end of November through to December. Quick update – money situation has resolved itself a bit. I was reassessed right on time, so I got my bursary through. So I’m not busting out the Chanel yet, but it’s been a bit easier. And I’m generally rather frugal, so hopefully it’ll all be ok until January….And I managed to get a new laptop, so that’s very good for my mood and work, as I don’t have to worry about it dying on me (touch wood). Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. Why do they always pile them on the end of term? I have been really stressed, and I missed an appointment with my psychologist because I was so tired I overslept :(. Not good. I still have some work that is due for the term that’s just ended…but I can get it done now. I have had some very low moments since my last blog post, I do feel like sometime I am slipping. I had an argument with my flatmate, where he made a snide comment about how he didn’t want to move in with me and how he felt obliged to. I just kind of shut down, went in the bath and lay there. And thought of suicide. It’s been happening a lot more than usual. I’ve never thought I would ever be that low to want to do it – I’ve had thoughts on and off for ages, but never thought it’d be serious. But sitting in the bath with a disposable razor, I felt very close to slicing my wrists. But I didn’t. And I did something I wouldn’t normally ever do. I told someone how I felt, which is something I rarely do, is express my feelings to others. A friend of mine who has suffered from severe depression for years, who used to cut herself told me once I started I would find it difficult to stop. And it is true I think, a floodgate would open, and I wouldn’t want it to spiral down any further 🙁 I’ve been feeling pretty lonely too, Christmas eh – really makes you feel the brunt of being single. It’s not even that I necessarily want to be in a relationship, just company and someone to have a laugh with and wander around and drink hot chocolate with. Not much to ask right? Also we’ve been threatened with eviction, our estate agent is absolutely awful. I had a long talk with my flatmates about how I resented having to sort everything out, bills, problems with the flat etc. Honestly really can be the best policy, and I hope things will change. We are looking for somewhere else to live, the good thing is, I don’t feel all the pressure on me. I usually feel awful about Christmas, but since last year I’ve been having a really nice time. It’s now a tradition for me to cook Christmas dinner, and I really enjoy it. Cooking is really therapeutic for me I feel. Also I plan to make a gingerbread house 🙂 2008 was a very up and down year, but not necessarily as bad as I felt in my first year in uni. I’m really sad my 1st term is over :(, it was a lot of work but it just makes me realise that it’s almost over. And now I’ve felt that I’ve settled in, and we’ll have to leave soon. So I’ll have to make the most of the time I have left. Plans for the holidays? Staying positive, spending quality time with my family and friends, studying (lovely, have two essays, presentation and project work due in in Jan!) and baking. It’s a wonderful life isn’t it?
Comment by Tomas posted on Thu, 25/12/2008 02:42
You’re not the only one who’s feeling lonely on Xmas. I did, too, I even cried (only speak from personal experience cs, as a sule, I don’t like geting into people’s heads), but the biggest thing is that yeah, there’s friction and confrontation and all the inconveniece but ultimately it’s because people are rarely able to communicate well. In the majority people are nice and mean well and they will much rather work things out than be in a state of warfare or hold grudges. It sounds simple though but getting through to people is another matter. Anyway, I hope there will be someone for you, if you so wish, but imho the key to solving the problem of loneliness is always within you. You can just as easily be alone in the crowd. But it makes us who we are. It makes us human. Something to be proud of and not necessarily a bad thing. It’s a wonderful life.
Comment by Tomas posted on Thu, 25/12/2008 02:31
Wow, what a summary) You sound like you’re pretty able to me. Say, you’re able to counter-attack depression already. Good stuff. Perhaps it’s the rightest way, talking about it. That, and stroking cats) Hang in there with the work. You have what it takes to do it (to be comtinued).
Comment by Craig posted on Mon, 22/12/2008 03:25
I so know how you feel! How exciting… Yeh money problems. My friend, my loan didn’t come through untill the second week of december. That was stressful as hell. I found that I feel so much more at ease when I can flash the cash slightly, but my personality means that I tried to keep up appearaences and so spend an ass load on a night out, when i really couldn’t afford it. I think that may be a thing that all students have. I also really get the cutting thing. I did it for 5 years solid and it was when I moved away to uni that I stopped. I’ve slipped a few times but generally I’ve been doing well. Mate. Do NOT start. It’s a horribly addictive process. It was one of my addictions that I had to work through in therapy. It’s this horrific thing that doesn’t help you in the long term, or really, in the short term. I think my lowest points are when I’ve cut, so if you can resist, and deal with the feelings in a healthy way then you definately know that you are on the way up. Keep Safe. x
Comment by Charlie posted on Thu, 18/12/2008 11:02
I agree with Tasha, fighting how you feel – and actually telling someone – is a good thing. As for the housemates/bills thing, if you think you’re doing too much or that other people aren’t doing enough then bring it up in passing and they’ll usually realise they’ve been rubbish. Works in our house, anyway.
Comment by Tasha posted on Wed, 17/12/2008 12:32
Sounds like you’re having a tough time at the moment, but I’m glad you’re fighting it. I think the comment from your housemate would have made any one of us low and I’m glad you didn’t try to kill yourself. Your friend is probably right about the slippery slope of cutting. It’s an addiction. I hope your holidays go well.