It’s funny how you can think of yourself as highly independant and forget the little things you’re dependant on…
So Xmas is over. Went quite well I think. Cooked dinner spent time with my mum, watched lots of TV. Dragged to sales yesterday with one of my best friends Lana and my mum. Tiring but good fun. But this post isn’t about that, it is about keeping my spirits up but also about the pills. The medication. I’m on Setraline 100mg, I know most people think of Prozac when they think of anti-depressants, but my psychiatrist thought I’d be best on Setraline. And I have noticed a positive change, at first, I was shivering, shaking, absolutely nauseous with highly disturbed sleep (like my sleep isn’t disturbed enough anyway). But I stuck to it, and it regulated so I don’t feel so ill anymore. But I ran out of them a couple of weeks ago and I thought I had some more, but I didn’t. I’m on repeat prescription but I didn’t get a chance to refill it at the doctor’s since last week of term – busy busy busy. So I started coming off them since I hadn’t taken it for about 6 days, not by choice. And it was horrible. Couldn’t sleep, eat, was filled with jittery energy. And that worried me, I felt like I couldn’t cope without them. When friends of mine asked me what was wrong who know about my depression, I told them I needed my pills. It frightened me how dependant I am on them. I did get it refilled, and now I am much calmer. But it made me think, that they are an aid not a cure. Unknowingly I had become too reliant on them, I mean not just the physical symptoms of withdrawal which was bothering me but it was in my head as well, I was panicky and felt I couldn’t deal without them. I’ve been thinking long and hard, I need to make a change in myself. Which is what the CBT is for. My resolutions for 2009 are to really make an effort with my CBT. I am supposed to write down my feelings and what triggers them off, and I havn’t been. I have been lucky enough to get CBT on behalf of my university, when I realise if I wasn’t at uni, it would be very difficult. So I’m going to make a concerted effort with that. I graduate this year (touch wood). And what I really would like is to find a way of coping with my depression without the use of meds. Think I can do it? I can only hope.