yeah, this month has been a little worse than previous ones but i’m not feeling ‘depressed’ as such
Yeah, January is so often a tough one when it comes to months! I’ve been struggling to keep my head above the workload i seem to be drowning in. It’s purely having a dissertation to do on top of everything else. It’s really stressed me out of late. I’ve also had a mixed time with cutting down weed. I mean, i’ve definately cut down. Before New years i was more or less smoking it every day whereas in January i smoked it 5 times. Nevertheless, i would sooner have not smoked it at all. Not smoking has meant that i’ve had to deal with reality permanently which frankly i don’t enjoy. Reality is just not that interesting sometimes. I’m not the kind of person who thinks everythink is pointless, or at least, i’m not that kind of person when i’m not depressed, but i’ve always been highly critical of the kind of society and even world which we live in. This month i’ve had a relatively large amount of conversations with like-minded people about the state of the world and just how much human beings fuck it all up for the rest of the planets inhabitants. Now, don’t get me wrong, i’m not about to turn this post into an anti-global warming one, i’m just venting some further frustration at the fact people just can’t seem to get on with each other. One of my friends though did give me something to think about which i quite liked; it was his notion of heaven and hell. Now i’m still undecided on this whole issue and i like to hear peoples interpretations and beliefs as much as possible so do feel free to comment. (incidentally, sorry for my complete lack of them, like i said, dissertation has been the priority this month and will likely be so until it’s done!) My friend, who i shall call jack…because it’s his name, was saying that he thinks a decent interpretation of heaven and hell is that: Heaven=what the world could be if we all live by the set of rules designed by Christianity (Insert and religion/hypothesis) and Hell=what the world will become if we don’t. Now i’m not really too sure why i liked this explanation so much but i guess it’s because it’s heavilly grounded in logic, something which i’m pretty fond of! Anyway, moving on, i had a really nice chat with someone this month who was suffering from depression, without saying i write this i asked if they’d looked at any websites about depression and if they helped and was told that they had indeed looked at this one and found it useful. Now personally this made me feel a huge sense of worth as frankly i’m a bit sceptical when it comes to blogging, as to whether anyone actually reads the lesser known ones. So yeah, that was a really good moment this month. Less good was last weekend. I went to visit a friend at another university and i took some ecstacy with me. Now i’d decided in advance that it just going to be just for me and perhaps my friend if he wanted any, however when i got there he asked if his mate would be alright to buy some too so i said ok. We went out on this particular night on the friday and i had already taken some of the drugs. By about 1 my friends friend hadn’t turned up so i asked his other friend if i could borrow him so that we could use the disbaled toilets, as this friend was in a wheelchair. If i may, i shall now branch off on a bit of a tangent about my attitude to the disabled. I have never had anything against the disbaled but i have also had this kind of society instilled view that all people in wheelchairs are weak and need looking after. I know it sounds horrible but i think it’s similar to peoples views on depression sometimes. Anyway, after meeting this guy on the thursday he completely changed my perception of the disabled as he’s one of the nicest people i’ve ever met, and i’m just glad my friend has got mates like that at uni! Anyway, back to point, we’d gone to the toilets and i took some more ecstacy. At this point my friends friend asked if he could have some. Because i was already high i said ok as the other guy hadn’t turned up. In retrospect this was incredibly stupid. Y’know, i said yes because i thought it was sorta like buying someone a drink because you like them or whatever. My point is, i was doing something nice in my point of view and in any case, this person had asked me for the ecstacy and i hadn’t charged him for it. Either way, as you can probably see coming, the night did not go as planned. My friend then turned up with his other mate who asked for the ecstacy i had for him. I told him i’d given it away, so my friend went back to his flat and picked up more. Long story short, my friend got back and despite us both being on the premises neither of us were keeping an eye on the guy who had taken the ecstacy i’d given him. When my friend caught up with him, he was saying that he felt sick and needed to leave, i was called but by the time i got there he was being pushed out by his older brother and threw up as they passed me. My friend was panicking so i tried to calm him down a bit, having seen this kind of thing before but he wouldn’t calm down. We left and went back, ringing the lad to find out that he was in fact ok. When we got back we all just chilled out in his room but i was convinced for some time that my friendship with my best friend was over for good and let me tell you, i’ve never felt worse in my life with perhaps the exception of splitting up with one of my ex’s. I still feel like perhaps the friendship has not returned to normal but i’m really really hoping it will do in time. I love my friends and in particular those closest to me but i really don’t know what i’d do without them. I’ve thought about it a lot this month, before ahy of what i’ve just written about even happened. I think it’s becuase one of my friends friends died last term and i saw him going through the grieving period. Either way, it’s a horrible thing to contemplate. I think the reason i’m thinking these things is because i’m now at an age where life is all starting to become oddly serious. At the end of the year i’m going to have to find accodation, a job and ideally i’d like to find someone to share it all with but y’know, i’m trying not to get hung up on that last one! I’ve missed uni today as i wanted to get some work done on my dissertation but so far i’ve not done anything, so seeing as this little vent has got my typing fingers warmed up i think i’ll see if i can’t get on with some now! Byeeeee
Comment by Tomas posted on Thu, 05/02/2009 18:06
Hey well look – doing a degree really adds to the intensity of things, so you should be feeling proud, I think, for not letting it overpower you…as far as the weed is concerned – I think everyone has their escapes – after I came off PC games I got hooked on working out, dancing and yoga, etc so it’s not unnatural to not want to deal with reality every now and then…the image that comes up in my head when talkiing about a complete escape from reality is spending the morning with some girl and some hot chocolate just lying around and messng around…it’d still be possible tough, I think, if I wasn’t such a sloped…but that’s a different thing…I’m all with you with the why-can’t-people-just-get-on issue..maybe it’s because of lack of maturity…as far as Hell and Heaven are concerned, as a veteran materialist, I don’t believe, as a rule, in anything I can’t touch, therefore condemning the latter two to Earthly conditions. The Hell is here on Earth – in Afghanistan, Basra, etc, heaven is also here on mornings like the one described above, bearing in mind that pereception becomes reality, placebos, etc and that you don’t have to be in a particular place or experiencing some conditions to be happy or terrified. Thta’s what I think. Debate it if you like. Lastly, I strongly recommend steering clear of amphetamines and the like.