Long time overdue, I know.
This may be a very long post, or short one depending on how I’m feeling. Which is, numb. Makes a change from suicidal and highly strung. And stressed. Which are emotions that run through my mind. A lot. However recently I’ve just been really really upset. I cry a lot now, lots of things trigger me off. This will probably end up on me rambling and losing the thread so I’ll bullet-point it, how so very useful. – My mum has been away for a few months and hasn’t bothered to contact me. – My middle sister lives abroad in China and I miss her so much. – I owe my older sister a substantial sum of money and I can’t pay her back, hell I’m having problems making ends meet. – I’m im love, and I don’t use that term lightly, with someone who is gay. I pine for him it is honestly tearing me up inside. And I don’t feel he even cares for me as a friend. – I’m failing uni. – I have no money. – I’m lonely. Fun times isn’t it? My first major weeping session occurred last week, I was crying over the fact that I couldn’t do anything right. Then I was checking an email and I had one from my sister linking me to a cheap camera. Then the waterworks started. See some girl had broken my camera a month ago, and she was avoiding me because she said she would pay for it to get repaired and therein lay the problem. I just started bawling. I know it sounds silly but I loved my camera, it was my first own camera that I had bought myself, and I love taking photos and the fact I can record great memories of fun times. The fact that my sister knew how upset I was about it, culminated with everything else just caused me to sob my eyes out. In case you’re wondering, that girl still hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me. And she ignores my phone calls/txts/messages on Facebook. The second time was the next day, I had a job interview the day before for a part time job at a school. I really wanted it, because it was good pay, close to where I lived and convenient hours. It was meant to be an hour interview but it was three. Three hours of my life wasted, where I should have been finishing an essay. The next day they called me and told me I didn’t get it, and I was sitting in one of the computer labs at uni and I just wept. And one of my friend’s was there, and she was so shocked. Usually I’m always so flip and sarcastic, and there I was crying my eyes out onto the keyboard. It’s a wonder I didn’t get electrocuted. The third time, is when a friend of mine who we kept missing each other, something always cropped up. And then when we arranged to meet, she asked if her boyfriend could come along. She sees him all the time, and I just told her I’d see her another time. Cue texts of why, oh we don’t mind (oh thanks, you don’t mind ME coming along to something I planned). She said she missed me, I said not enough to give me 2 hours of your time. She didn’t reply. I cried a lot after that. It was a variety of things, I mean I’m not stupid, I don’t ever expect people to hold me in the same regard I hold them. But it never fails to shock me when someone just doesn’t get it. Chicks before boys right? Yeah whatever. The last time, just now actually, few tears dropped out while writing about my camera. I’m a very creative person, I love taking photos and making things, it gives me an outlet from reading lots of small print and worrying. It just upsets me so much 🙁 And I don’t want to tell anyone, I mean it’s irrational for me to think that people should realise, but they don’t. It just makes me feel like no-one cares for me, and it also makes me feel like a whiny narcissistic nutter who has no control over her emotions. I’ve been told a couple of times to snap out of it, I got annoyed and told the person that I wouldn’t be popping pills every night before bed (not even the fun kind) if I didn’t believe that I didn’t have a serious problem. I just wish someone cared for me enough, and writing that I feel selfish. I’m so lonely all the time, and I just wish I could have some novocaine or something to numb everything, just to make it go away.

Comments Posted

Comment by Daniel posted on Sat, 07/03/2009 16:34

Fun times indeed. I’m sure you’ve got the support of all of us though. And I’m completely with Tomas and Charlie in dropping the old communication line. Especially if loneliness is one of the biggest things you’re feeling right now. A lot of the time when we feel neglected by those close to us it’s not because they’ve stopped caring but because they’re distracted and probably just don’t realise. If you want them to notice sometimes you’ve got to be brave and go out and just tell them. Your friend possibly just doesn’t know what to do. I get that it still hurts though. Sometimes with an item like a camera it represents something and holds a great deal of personal significance, which certainly sounds like the case here. Maybe you could find some other creative outlet? I hope things pick up for you.

Comment by Charlie posted on Fri, 27/02/2009 11:47

The people who tell you to ‘snap out of it’ completely don’t understand. They’re not trying to hurt you, and probably don’t realise how it makes you feel at all. I always felt the same (and still do, really) about thinking people should realise and thinking that because they don’t it means I’m making it up or something. But that’s not what it means. My housemate told us all recently that she’s had anorexia for the last few months, and none of us realised. It wasn’t that we didn’t care; we just didn’t even think of it as a possibility. Have you tried ringing your friend to explain to her why you felt like she wasn’t really giving you any time? I know that might be hard, but it could just be that she doesn’t realise. I reckon people are much less perceptive than we’d like sometimes.