Early March…
Hello, yeah, as i said, thought i’d get this one in a little early. Hoping to myself that getting some of this stuff on paper (or monitor) will help clear my head a little. Before i get into it, i’d like to again apologise for my lack of comments. Hectic month again! Also, cheers Tomas for the comments last month, it’s nice to read them even if i don’t get round to replying! My dissertation is due in a week tomorrow. I can’t even described how stressed it’s making me. I want to run away from it in a big way but luckilly i haven’t yet done so! I feel quite frustrated about it as i’m just not confident i’m going to be writing it with any confidence about what i’m saying. The topic was chosen by my tutor rather than me, which means that although it’s got direction now, it doesn’t have any theoretical knowledge :S In theory i’ve written nothing so far. I have however, obtained all my data, run it through analysis software, read up around the topic and set aside the time to write it. Urgh, just writing about it is making me stressed! I’m really hoping that once it’s done some of this weight on my mind will lift. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself at the moment. Just now for example i’ve been crying. Not sure why. I just started crying. I’ve not done this for ages… i think it’s mainly because i don’t know what else to do in expressing my relative lack of certainty about the future week. It’s not only my dissertation which is occupying my thoughts. I’ve gotten myself into a romantic dilemma this week as well. In short, i like a girl who has a boyfriend. She’s called K and I’m 90% sure she likes me. Basically, i’m having to wait and see what happens on this front as to whether or not she wants to leave said boyfriend or not. I really really like her though. It’s the first time i’ve had any sort of connection with someone like this since being in a relationship, almost a year ago! This current problem is complicated further by the fact that i met another girl last week who i ended up kissing and stuff. Nothing more. She’s keen to go on a date next week (which definately isn’t happening due to work etc), i mean, she’s also really nice but the thing is, i just don’t feel this sort of click that i get with K and i don’t want to go on a date with anyone until i’m postive nothing will happen with her. I’m sure this situation is going to be resolved in the next couple of days anyway, i’m seeing K tomorrow as we also work together so i’m considering telling her about this other girl and finding out whether there’s a chance that something could work out or not. Either way would be a resolution to my mind however, i’m not sure whether or not i’ll want to go on this date with the other girl as i’ll definately still be thinking about K 🙁 Stupid complications. I swear it’s never just simple! Anyway, moving on. Drugs was next on my list of topics it seems. On this front i’m pleased. Haven’t been smoking weed at all which is a big plus. Did ecstacy last week though which i’m extremely careful with, not only due to the physical risks but also i’m fully aware of the impact it has on serotonin levels. I had a really really good night. Some friends came up from home and also some people i met the very same day to sell tickets to, that turned out to be really sound! In any case, i was glad to get through the night with no misadventures or consequences. After last time i was just very uneasy about something going wrong! Anyway, went to center parks for the weekend with my dad the next day. It was lovely, went swimming lots and played some tennis. Went on a quad bike too! 🙂 Lastly, friends. Dunno, why i put that there really 😛 i guess it’s because two of my best best friends have got into relationships recently. Make obsolutely no mistake, i’m over the moon for them, but i’m also now increasingly aware of my own lack of a relationship which is why all this K business is bothering me so much. I just feel increasingly lonely at the moment and really miss having the companionship of a relationship. The someone to listen to you before you go to sleep and to put up with all my crazy 😛 Either way, i just really hope something works out for me this week. As for my friends, i’m not taking a thing away from them! It’s really cute! Particularly as 2 of them have actually formed a couple which i played no small part in match making! Well, i’m glad to have ended this post feeling less like crying that i did when i started it 😛 Hope everyone else is ok, and again, sorry if i don’t get round to commenting on peoples blogs for a while, dissertation beckons at the mo. Take it easy peeps 🙂 p.s. sorry for the total lack of advice in this post. The emphasis is more on a cry for help than a self analysis 😛 Bad Month

Comments Posted

Comment by Tomas posted on Sat, 04/04/2009 15:51

Fingers crossed for you. I know how they say about not depending on anyone for feeling good, but in practice cold sheets suck. I’m with on that one, man. Hang in there. You’re doing something. And it’s good. And we don’t get the name of that K person? There was some conspiracy about the uhhhh…The suspence is killing me! It’s like a Hollywood movie when the hero finds out that the guy he’s been fighting for 80 minutes is his Dad))) Who is she? Who is she?

Comment by Anala posted on Sat, 04/04/2009 04:16

My supervisor for my research project picked my research topic, we were all excited because he’s some big deal brain imaging guy, then he drops the bombshell that we’re doing HIS research, on staring at a screen for five hours and seeing if the shape moves, ugh, I’m still writing it. Least cos it’s his own stuff, he’s willing to help a lot. But it’s sooooooooooo dry and hard to focus on. In the words of my favourite folk parody band – a kiss is not a contract, but it’s very nice. It is a bit dick-ish, but honesty does suck, but least she knows the deal right? I’ve been the girl in those kind of situations, and lord I would have loved it if the guy just manned up and told me he wasn’t interested, instead of hiding and being avoidant. Def agree with Tomas about the weed, unfortunately I have pretty bad experiences with it, not myself but close friends of mine, one of them being my sister, which I guess helped result in schizophrenia. Take care of yourself, and blog soon!

Comment by Tomas posted on Mon, 16/03/2009 19:34

Ugh…Got a guy @ my house who’s really not got any dogs left to bark, so to speak…They’re all, like laying there, stoned, and try to get up and then collapse again…Why do weed? I don’t mean to be forceful, but people, I think, just make it harder on themselves – they’ve yet to meet the life face to face. Anything you do to escape it will take away from your coping mechanisms and will just make it more and more strenuous to deal with stuff later. Right?

Comment by Andy posted on Sun, 15/03/2009 15:38

Cheers for the advice guys, i got my dissertation handed in on time and i can’t even begin to describe what a weight off my mind it’s been. I sacked off the date i was supposed to go on but i’m not really any closer to resolving things on that front. I’ve told her how i feel but she won’t give me a definitive answer at all which was frustrating. I’m choosing to detach myself a little from that anyway which i think is most important. I don’t want to risk anything affecting my mood too much really, so basically i think i’ve now done as much as is possible to help the situation and the ball is now firmly in her court, so to speak. In answer to Daniel’s question RE: weed, i was smoking it every day more or less, before Christmas, whereas now i’m not really smoking it at all. It used to be a big escape thing with me last year but before Christmas i was actually very happy and was just smoking out of habit more than anything else. Either way, i know i need to be careful with these things as they certainly effect your mental stability!

Comment by Tomas posted on Tue, 10/03/2009 18:35

I’d disagree in that for some people it’s easier to write feelings down. Take “The Glass Menagerie”. Actually speaking and, more importantly, getting yourself to be heard is and art, I think. Anyway. Yeah, what is the latest? We’re interested,e specially given that these persons seem to be not so far removed)

Comment by Daniel posted on Sat, 07/03/2009 16:12

To be honest for someone who is extremely stressed by work in girl situations you actually sound fairly level about the whole thing. But it’s harder to convey emotion via text than in person! From what you’ve said it sounds like there’s not really much of a decision to be made in regards to the girls. You clearly really feel strongly about this girl K, and not so much about the other girl. I personally feel that a relationship is a big commitment and it’s not worth getting in to one unless you do feel strongly that it would work and you really connect. That said, it’s not great timing with the dissertation! Crying’s good from time to time, shows you’re human and keeps you in touch with your feelings. How often were you doing weed? I’ve seen it have some nasty effects on people I know but I’ve never done it regularly enough to be too affected by it. And what’s the latest on this girl situation…? Hope it’s been a good week for you.

Comment by Tomas posted on Mon, 02/03/2009 15:49

Ugh…nothing worse than having to re-write posts…other than, maybe, a piece of cake behind a glass walll… ohhhh that was such a lengthy, unrecreatable entry I just produced…right…anywho!…here we go…I know how deadlines can be – that is, an unpcoming assiment due in is a b***h so a dissertationmust be a real head****…I’m sorry for the agitation but I’m still in a Rage Against The Machine mode…I can certainly sympathize, for what it’s worth…it’s always good to get some sleep because overworking yourself leads to notthing good as we’ve come to discover…it is even more difficult to keep up with the work if there is something else you’re thinking about (or some thing)…oh, I just got to the part about the girl:DDD So I was right! Congrats man…Maybe it is a good thing happening to you man…you can have my full assurance on that it’s way worse when you can’t cry…oh, what is it with me…anyway…you know what? I think it’s the Spring that’s doing it to you (and pretty much anybody esle, they just don’t always let on, I think)…also a bit of a Casanova, it seems…fingers x’d 4 U) oh, wait, that’s from that phone advert…fingers crossed for you…Charlie’s put in some good advice…from myself I can only add that it’s not always easy to make your mind up with regards to who you like – but as men we’re supposed to not multitask too much…I dunno…this is too deep for me, the topics you people raise…I’ve only got my simple man’s opinion…make decisions, never look back-T

Comment by Charlie posted on Fri, 27/02/2009 11:51

It sounds like you’re pretty organised for the dissertation at least – I’m currently trying to work out what I’ll do for mine (thankfully we have pretty much free rein). I’m not great at relationship advice, but to paraphrase Peep Show, you can’t like two people at once – you decide which one you like best, then pretend not to like anyone else =P Talk to K and tell her you could kinda do with knowing, maybe? I know what you mean about being happy for people and it being hard at the same time, too. Last year there was a night when every single one of my housemates had their partners over and I was just sat there being lonely. Of course, I’m now the only one in our house in a relationship, so…