That’s all i can think about at the moment
This seems like the first time i’ve used the site in a long time. It’s been a long month i guess. My last entry seems to have disappeared too 🙁 Not sure why but never mind i guess. My exams start in a couple of weeks. The last exams ever! Needless to say they’re stressing me out a little…. and by a little i mean a lot. I have 2 exams one day apart and i can’t shake the feeling i’ve left revision too late again. I have enough time to revise for one exam but probably not two… In any case, i’m trying to be productive rather than sit on the feeling but so far i haven’t done much work. I had a revision lecture today and i’ve found that coming into uni has sparked off something inside me and i’ve actually got stuff done. Having said that, i have work soon, so the day will have to be cut short in terms of revision which is a shame. I’m in work all day tomorrow as well… It would be so much easier not to have a job sometimes but at the end of the day the pros outweigh the cons in my case. I find having a job not only provides me with a bit of extra cash, it also gets me out of my normal routine and i get to meet more ‘normal’ people as well, which i find is a more healthy way to be generally. I guess i even attribute having a job to the reasons why depression has stayed away this year. 🙂 This month i’ve been finding it difficult to get out of bed. I’m not going to lie; this worries me. When i get depressed i can stay in bed all day no problem without eating etc. I’m almost certain that i’m not depressed at the moment though. I think it’s probably just stress and me using the good ol’ technique of ignore the problem. This is one of the things which frustrates me the most about myself. I tell other people how they should deal with problems and yet when it comes to sorting out my own i quite happilly ignore them! I suppose it’s just easier when you’re on the outside. Nevertheless, i do think this is mainly down to the exam stress and nothing more. I suppose i’ll have to wait til the exams are over before i can tell for sure… Another of the reasons i’m worried is that i had two essays due for the first week of this term and my attitude towards them was just completely deafeatist. I ended up writing one of them the morning of the day it was due. Now i’ve never been the best for leaving myself enough time to write essays but normally i start them by the night before at the very latest. It wasn’t just the time i started though, it was just my attitude in general. I wrote this essay with literally no care how i did. That’s not very like me. I guess the reason i’m flagging these things up is because they’re just not quite characteristic. On the plus side i think the fact that i’m being so objective about myself is helping. This is something which i’m attributing to writing this blog. Having said that, perhaps writing this blog is the reason i’m thinking about my behaviour so much? Who knows. Like i say, we’ll have to wait and see, come June. At the moment all i seem to have is a tremendous sense of uncertainty; and this is not something i’m enjoying 🙁
Comment by Andy posted on Wed, 06/05/2009 18:45
Indeed. I’m getting out a little bit better this week anyways, i think like you say it was just stress. Stress which i now seem to be dealing with! Didn’t get up early today though, had an argument with my mum last night and ended up getting drunk when i came home. Stupid wine. Stupid hangovers. Never mind Being in love is amazing; it’s such an all consuming feeling though, it tends to shut out everything else, such as work, like you say. Even so, i’m happy for you. I think being in love pretty much epitomises the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of depression and such emotions! Hope things continue to work out 🙂
Comment by Tomas posted on Sat, 02/05/2009 13:06
True..statistically people who have jobs get affected by depression less…now we have the factual evidence, so to speak…and as far as the bed is concerned…maybe this is, as you say, just tiredness and stress, yeah?…I get up ten-fifteen minutes after opening my eyes, and that’s if I don’t fall asleep again…but I’m working out hard lately and going dancing plus the drama group are in Uni all day five days a week working on a new play…it’s rewarding but tiring, mentally and physically…hence the lack of get-up juice)…and that, about measuring whether you’re depressed or not, and if yes, to what extent, is more difficult than it seems because, as I understand, you can only do that by comparing yourself to others and that is impossible…I would say that, because stress makes you tired, the lack of focus and apathy towards essays is only a temporary thing…I’m in love and I can’t concentrate on work but hey, it’s no plain sailing, right?