You know that old adagio that things are always right under your nose… well I guess I never saw how things were under my nose. **SPOILER** – Potentially very cringe-worthy entry.
Good vibrations (BEACH BOYS) to all the bloggers and hope your exams went well. BIG LOVE to Daniel and esp Tomas, my homeboy, your posts and replies have kept me cheerful and it’s so nice to be able to share without boundaries. So thanks a lot 🙂 and sorry for my AWOL-ness! I am back yes I am indeed. Exams went… well they went really. In hindsight, yes if I had done this if I had done that. But as it was pointed out to me, there were things I just couldn’t change. I do get to submit an appeal to examining board before I get my final marks…. so I just have to hope for the best. My last exam was grisly, advanced cognitive neuroscience – UGH. It was so hard pulling focus together for the last exam but when it was over I was just so in shock. I mean it’s over, it’s all over (touch wood I don’t have to repeat, I mean I love uni but I don’t want to repeat). My education is over (at the moment) and I just felt at a loss. What do I do with my time? It felt so odd, felt incredibly spaced out, not having deadlines or cramming like crazy. Done, just like that. I’m on the edge of a new chapter in my life, I feel very sad on one part and optimism for what comes next. Because I know I am in charge of what happens to me, and although they are things that I can’t change, I control my life, not my irrational states. I try not to think of it as an end – because that makes me feel low. More like the unfurling of a leaf so to speak. I know that may not make any sense… hmm will try think of a way to express myself better. Seen my psychiatrist for my two month check up, she said I seem so much better and so much more positive. I feel a lot more content and positive. She said it shows in my eyes, they’re not as dull as they were before, and that she thinks I’ll go far regardless of what I choose to do. Even though my academic career may not have gone exactly as I hoped and planned she said I was extremely resourceful and that I would stand out in any crowd. She said some more nice things, but I was rather embarassed. Aw shucks. Seeing my psychologist for CBT, I told her how much more positive I was feeling, how I combat my thoughts of depression, how I remind myself everyday of how lucky I am, and to have people in my life that genuinely care for me. I feel like I’ve made a turnaround. Perhaps not completely, but a turnaround. I have pleased both of them it seems =p And my loneliness, because I didn’t have anyone. Turns out, there was someone for me. Right under my nose. I met him randomly at uni queuing at the shop. Friend of a friend as they all are, my uni’s very small. And slowly a friendship formed, then I thought that it would never happen or that we had nothing in common, but we do. Our shared experiences of depression, loneliness and low self esteem and confidence. Which is not a great thing to have, but I knew I didn’t have to lie to him. And it’s strange how comfortable I feel with him. I’ve known him for literally really a month, and I feel so at ease. And extremely compatible. It is strange, for someone to make you so happy when you felt like it wasn’t possible anymore. He makes me so happy, I can’t describe it. And I don’t doubt his feelings for me at all, well not anymore. We both have our own stuff to deal with, but we know this, and we understand it, and it’s beautiful. I never thought one person could make me feel so good about myself.

Comments Posted

Comment by Tomas posted on Thu, 04/06/2009 15:03

Now we know who’s Joe Popular on this website – look at all the people flocking! I sense affection bordering on adoration (that vibe’s probably mine, hogging all the others) – well done Anala! All eyes on you.

Comment by Sarah posted on Wed, 03/06/2009 19:10

Hi Anala. Firstly just wanted to tell you that I didn’t do as well as I hoped on my undergraduate degree and for a while I really beat myself up about it. But now I think I did pretty damn well considering I had a lot of personal problems at the time and part of me wanted to drop out. Also, it hasn’t hindered me at all, I finish my MA at the end of this year (another miracle) and I’ve got potentially a very promising career ahead of me. As I’m sure you will do too. Also, I encourage you to enjoy this time, act like a student whilst you still can. When you’re working you will miss simple things like being able to go to the pub on the afternoon or waking up at 11am 🙂 I’m also really happy that you’ve found someone, I’m sure in time you will find that you have things in common other than depression. Sarah

Comment by Charlie posted on Tue, 02/06/2009 17:47

It is strange, for someone to make you so happy when you felt like it wasn’t possible anymore. Aaah it’s the best feeling there is. That happened to me last summer, and we’ll have been together for a year in 11 days. It’s so so so nice to have someone who knows how you feel and have felt and who cares about you, and for you to be able to be that to them as well. Really happy for you =)

Comment by Tomas posted on Mon, 01/06/2009 14:35

Whew….Lolllll)))…Thanks, Gill…

Comment by Tomas posted on Mon, 01/06/2009 11:42

Ahem…we missed you…there’s a reason why AWOL is punishable by the federal law…jk…it’s good to have you back at any rate…right back at ya…your support has been invaluable…you know what, I’ve actually been wanting to go to London cos I had an audition…well, today at 9…sadly, I’m too poor to pay for the trip and anyway I’ve already made up my mind what I wanna do…So I coulda seen you, if you wanted…but hey, there’ll be a lot of going to London and back over the summer, I guess…I wouldn’t miss it for the woeld…anyway…cheers to the new beginnings…it’s gotta feel like that – like jumping into a cold shower – cos you don’t know what it’s gonna bring…I mean, life after Uni…but hey, maybe this feeling is what a lot of people are after…there isn’t that much true excitement in people’s lives, not really…you know, it made me remember two lines…I shouldn’t preach but I couln’t resist…I can resist anything but temptation…” a lot of people work for all their life for the ooportunities you have” (Good Will Hunting)…and a dialogue: “Me and him are like gas and flasmes – fireworks are spectacular but burns hurt – Some people live all their lives without ever seeing spectacular”…getting sidetracked now…OMG indeed..great stuff…congrats Anala…I’m really happy for you.

Comment by Anala posted on Sat, 30/05/2009 11:18

Oh god… exams over… I know… just not thinking of results and wotnot… Yes I’m thinking positive, been networking quite a bit, may have a new job (unpaid) but I’d get to meet so many people where I could propel myself forward so fingers crossed. I felt like I’d been single for so long – first I hated it – then I enjoyed it and embraced it (a bit too much) – then I got a bit sick of it – then it was a balance – then blaaaah. I mean I guess I was, although I wasn’t really actively looking anymore. It was a pretty slow process – it just kind of fell into place. How do I know it feels right? I guess for me that I feel very content around him, very peaceful, and extremely happy but not in my crazy mood swing kind of way but just a warm feeling. Just being in his presence is enough, THAT SOUNDS SOOO CHEESY, haha but its true. When I’m around him I feel it’s alrite to be me, and that’s ok. Did that make any sense? How are your exams going? love and love

Comment by Daniel posted on Sat, 30/05/2009 10:48

I’m picking up good vibrations, she’s giving me excitations….some tune 😀 Anala! Lots of good stuff by the sounds of things, definitely appreciation for the special mention too. You can put exams behind you now and go and enjoy what’s going on right now in your life….I personally can not wait for those words “you may now leave” after my next exam….straight to pub and bring on two weeks of going out, friends, sport, sun and doing very little during the day. I always find with the end of something and a new start it is a mix of sadness and excitement….and sometimes you’ve got to deal with the sadness before the realisation of a new chapter and excitement at that really sets in. I’d believe your psychiatrist! No matter how your exams went, there’s more to a person than just their academic ability, and exams only test certain skills anyway. As much as I encourage the single life, I do remember quite well what it’s like to feel the way you do at the moment and it’s pretty incredible, that sort of bond. Just enjoy it 🙂 Were you even looking for someone? I’m just curious how you knew it was right to be with them, as it’s something I’m going to have to face at some point and while I trust myself that I’ll know when the time is right, I’m still interested!