A culmination of things… probs not all good, but not necessarily bad.
Well, hi. I guess you can tell it’s been a busy time. More of a upsetting time tbh, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy to be fair. Cut a long story short, cos I could expound all day about my prrooooooblems. 1. Guy? Fuck that. All that good stuff? Turns out he didn’t feel the same. Apparently I made him feel awkward. O…k. I mean I’m now (mostly) over it, but yeah still feels a bit rubbish sometimes. I was feeling pretty shit about it, but whatever. Everyone has said to me that if he didn’t realise a good thing, he’s an idiot. But I feel like I’m the idiot really. I’m 22 and jaded with love really. What a joke. 2. Where to start? This is the big thing really. I failed my degree. No seriously. A fail. Not a 2.2, not a 3rd. FAIL. As in, not even 40%. Well I always said, if you’re gonna do something do it right. And boy did I, fail spectacularly. I got my pass/fail and I saw that I failed my project, see prev. blog posts about my laptop explosion. So I saw my tutor, and yeah he told me I failed my project and an exam, but on ‘appeal’ (I use quote marks, cos honestly it’s a joke) they allowed the exam I failed to pass me. So I have a 3rd. (er thanks?) If I failed I could resit the whole year again, but obv they don’t want me to do that. I can’t resit because I have enough to pass (whoop de doo). I can appeal, cos you know how I mentioned my laptop blew and lost my project – well they only accepted my draft cos that was in on time. I got a 30 for that (that was only 2500 words, my actual was 7500). So I worked damn hard on a project that I’ll never know the mark of. Sigh. Electronic failure is not an excuse remember – yes I should have backed it up, but I guess that’s not important to them why I didn’t think to do it. The appeal would be external to the SU not my dept. So my sisters’ are encouraging me to appeal because you never know – basically that they weren’t sympathetic enough to my personal circumstances i.e. depression, being evicted, mum being ill etc. My tutor did a complete 180, for someone who has supported through the last 3 years of my degree just told me bluntly, that everyone has problems and they can deal, why can’t you? And just a lot of patronising drivel, such as she should have chased me around. I told her that she’s not a schoolteacher, and if at 22 I can’t get my act together to do my work, then I deserve to fail. But I did work. Not as hard as I could have, and believe me I tried so hard. So yeah I’ve felt pretty shit for a while. And stupid, stupid and shit. Not a good combo. Got put on suicide watch cos I tried to overdose, so to speak, saw my psychiatrist twice in 2 weeks, which is unusual. She said she’d help support my appeal, but you know, you’d think a Psych dept would be more sympathetic eh? All fam know, my siblings been really good about it, they don’t think it’s my fault, that I’m stupid. I feel like I’m thick tbh. My mum’s not saying much, cept I know she’s disappointed. I’m disappointed. Don’t think this is a slight which it’ll be easy to recover from to be fair. Interning at present in publishing, internship was meant to finish 2 weeks ago, but yeah spoke up, and they said they’d like me to stay indefinately. So that’s v good exp, don’t get paid, but get travel+lunch. Also told my editor (boss as such) about my sitch at uni, and how I was worried that they’d not be interested due to my 3rd, but she said she was in a similar situation when she was at uni, and it no way reflects my ability. Everyone keeps saying that, but I don’t know. Been keeping a pretty low profile, working, broke, down really. I’m not as bad as I was a couple weeks ago, but meh. Graduation on Fri, I really not too keen on going, but I keep being told that I’ll regret it if I don’t. Soz to be a downer, things just kinda sucky-ish. I mean it could be worse… I guess. Chatted to a friend of my sister’s who got a 3rd at Notts, went to UCL for a Masters and is now at MIT doing another Masters (craziness) but she gave some really good advice. Tis true, that this recession, everyone is in the same boat, I’m better off than most, I just really need to work on my BS and blagging skills and improve my exp – and have some wicked refs. I’ve never wanted to kill myself as much as I did then. A degree isn’t everything, and yes there are so many things you can’t learn in a lecture theatre, but it felt like my last shred of hope. Even through all the bullshit, I knew with a good degree I would be able to think even when times were shit, yeah things suck, but I got a good degree, it’s a good base to build on. Nope. Nada. Zilch. My plans for the future have now gone all awry. I just feel like such a disappointment to everyone. Why didn’t I do it? Because believe me this website really really helped. I went on at work, and just read through other’s stories and tips and I was lucid enough to know that I shouldn’t be by myself. So I arranged to meet with my best friend for dinner, who cheered me up to no end and another friend took me back to her house, made me dinner, watched a movie and I stayed over. I knew that I shouldn’t be alone, and I made damn sure I wasn’t, because those paracetemols were burning a hole in my cupboard. I also made an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist and told my sister who kept me going. Sorry to end on such a bleak note, it’s not all bad, I think I’ll probs post another blog after Friday… end of an era eh? Sorry Tomas I went AWOL, just been feeling pretty low. I’d love to meet our little blogring family, what do you guys think? Sorry if I haven’t expanded as such on all points, just drop me a comment and I’ll explain Love and Kisses xxx

Comments Posted

Comment by Anala posted on Tue, 28/07/2009 01:22

Or post your id here and tell me if its gmail or anything…I am. analabananasyrup yeah don’t ask =p

Comment by Anala posted on Tue, 28/07/2009 01:20

HEY TOMAS, so good to hear from you :). Yeah sorry been all over the place, was checking to see if you were around, sorry it’s taken me a week to get back. I would love to meet up, and be touristy. I don’t get to do that enough. Do you have my email address? Are you still on the yahoo group? I am… somehow… somewhere? 🙂

Comment by Tomas posted on Tue, 21/07/2009 21:07

That last phrase was grammatically incorrect. I dunno what to do with it now, I just withdraw it.

Comment by Tomas posted on Tue, 21/07/2009 21:06

Crap. Right. Now. No-one said that a degree will actually help you get a better job. A degree gives a hypothetical person in a model of a world a better chance of employment. That’s it. It’s just that. A notion. A myth, essentyially, with no substance. In the real world, sadly, it’s who you know a lot of the time, in England. That ought to cheer you up. Anyway, Bill Gates didn’t go toi Uni. Washington didn’t. And people don’t just deal. That’s just silly. If everyone were to just deal everyone would be problem-free. And they’re not. Actually, why stop there? Everyone would have everything. Cos they always achieve. In truth, it’s just that some people have the guts to tell others and some don’t…Ah…you’re being hard on yourself and all that’s gonna come out of it is stress and poor health. I don’t think anyone I know had it this hard…doing a degree is hard enough without all the stuff you’ve described…and this boy doesn’t help…tell me more about him… p.s. I really think we should meet. Don’t you? Let’s get people together in London sometime this week…or maybe just you and me? What do you say? see the City…be like tourists for once – entertainees and not entertainers…I’d personally very would…

Comment by Tomas posted on Tue, 21/07/2009 20:53

um I dunno if it’s a browser problem…I think itr’s better now

Comment by Tomas posted on Tue, 21/07/2009 20:53

wtf!!!

Comment by Tomas posted on Tue, 21/07/2009 20:53

test…is it eating my comments?!

Comment by Tomas posted on Tue, 21/07/2009 19:39

Hhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…reading………brb…………xxx