sometimes it’s not just depression….sometimes it’s a symptom of something much more

wow, what a difference a month makes…well at least in the knowledge area.

I have to say that this time around the depression and accompanying anxiety were merely symptoms of something much larger and far more frightening…I indeed was having a breakdown.  It took me a while to realise it and admit it to myself and my therapist…but I had finally succumb to it all.

you see, i’m a workaholic….it’s part of how i deal.  if i stay busy, it cant catch me.  Not the smartest of choices, I know.

The depression and anxiety were merely symptoms of my emotional, physical, and intellectual breakdown.  I was exhausted beyond belief.  The culmination of seven years of far too little sleep, taking too much on myself, and pushing myself far too hard.  I had to admit that if I didnt’ just stop, I would have died.

Therapy has helped a lot…having someone to talk to who is objective was critical in forcing me to see what I was doing to myself — and also to see that even though i was close, it wasn’t too late.

I’ve taken a month off my studies, and will take another month as well.  I’ve stopped everything but the critical things I have to do.  My focus now is on getting rest, nurturing my physical and emotional self, and my pending court case for sole custody of my children.

I’m still wicked exhausted…and have been very ill twice now already…as my system is overwrought and susceptible to viruses.  The illness forces me to sleep.  I guess my body has put me in my place!

I know it took years to get to this point (the breaking point in the end of december) and it will take a while to recover from this, but i know i’m on the other side of it, and know, with time, this too shall heal.

but my life will never be the same now.  Once i rejoin the world again wholly, i have to have new work ethics and new guidelines.  I don’t have to be superwoman — I have to be alive!

for the moment, it’s one day at a time…and trying to be good to myself.  I’m blessed to have good mates and a fabulous partner all of whom love and support me.  My supervisors have been waiting months for me to crash, and they sighed a collective sigh of relief when it finally happened…their waiting was now over.

so now it’s time to heal…to heal my body, to heal my soul, to heal my spirit.  I’ve gone without medication this time — at my own request.  and of all the stupid times to do it, I quit smoking in the midst of all this!  (and perhaps the champix i am on only intensified everything i was feeling — but i went 3 days ciggy free, and now really don’t want to smoke — although habit still has me smoking a couple a day…but i know i’ll win this battle too — i’m trying not to be hard on myself about this one.  i know i need to do it, but it too will come in time)

One day, I’ll be whole again….one day soon, i’ll hold my babies again…one day soon, i’ll be back at uni…one day soon, i’ll look in the mirror and see me

peace
*Alma*

 

Comments Posted

Comment by Rees posted on Tue, 02/02/2010 15:13

Hi Alma,

Thank you for sharing your story with us – it must have been hard for you to step up and admit you needed a break. I know how it can be easier to just plough on forward and ignore any problems you might have, so well done on facing reality and taking what sounds like a well deserved break!

It sucks that your supervisors recognised there was a problem but didn’t intervene – sounds somewhat irresponsible to me. It sounds like you’re getting support from your friends and your partner, so that should be good.

Good luck with kicking your smoking habit and your upcoming custody battle – I’m sure you make an excellent mother and I hope you get the victory you deserve!

Take care,

Rees.