I’ve fallen into an old, familiar habit as of late. Will I rebound out?

So I’ve been having problems with my relationahip for the past few months. My partner and I have spoken very little owing to the fact that we’re both very busy with exam preparation. Well, that’s really making it sounds like we both study 24/7. We don’t. But we are studying a lot.

So trying to get my boyfriend on the phone has been a nightmare. Everytime I call I hear the familiar european ring (he lives on the continent) but then my call goes to voicemail. So we’re speaking about once a week. If that.

Now, we do email one another usually (it costs nothing and it’s easy to do). Even those have dropped off as of lately. I usually got an e-mail once every day or two. Now it’s once a week…sometimes twice. They’re short as well and normally include a link to a newstory that he read out of interest and wanted to share. While I appreciate these e-mails they’re just too little.

I had blown up with my partner a few times telling him that I think we should talk more and e-mail more – just to help. But he resists. He doesn’t feel that it’s as important I say it is to our relationship. This upsets me (which he knows) because I’m literally giving him clear, consice clues on how to keep me happy (he asks what he can do more of…so I tell him).

I feel neglected. When we do speak or write he tells me that he still goes out from time to time with his friends. I mean, I do genuinely believe that he’s busy, but cannot help think that maybe he just doesn’t want to speak to me. Or that he can’t be bothered to write or say something sweet. I can’t tell you how wonderful it would be to get a love letter from him after all these months apart. Even something that says “you’re still attractive to me”.

And even more, I’ve told him that us speaking so little has impacted on me. I need to communicate with my partner. We’ve been together for more than 6 years and I find that our communication has always been less than ideal. Communication is by far the most important thing in my relationship with him. He knows this (we went to couple counselling a few years back). I spell it out when our communication gets crap. Please understand, I dont need an hour of chatting every night, but a nice e-mail every now and then (maybe two, three times a week to show — and even say — that he cares) would be nice.

So I felt alone. Unattractive. Unloved. So three weeks ago I fell back into my old habits. I ended up on Gaydar (gay male dating site) and have since met about 10 guys for (safe) sex. Each was a no-strings attached meet, but I felt alive again. These guys were meeting me because they thought I was hot and told me that they wanted me. Both are nice to hear when you aren’t hearing it from anyone else. It’s also nice to have that physical closeness which has been lacking from my relationship over the past 10 months.

When I was single all those years ago, this is how I was. I’ve slept with well over 200 men and did so because I think I’m slightly addicted to sex and to powerful, intense feelings of intimacy. I’ve always been safe too. I was always tested regularly and I wouldn’t sleep with just anyone.

I’m sure many of you reading this might be shocked. But I think I’ve gotten it out of my system now. I feel much more level headed and can focus on my studies because this mixture of lonliness and intimacy has been remidied. It might not last more than a month or two, but it’s there for now and has helped me immensley.

I’m sharing this on this blog because I feel like I need to get it out, but in an anonymous forum. I’m not looking for anyones opinion on what I did – I dont think there’s a right or wrong in this situation because I’m the one in it and I made the decision that was right for me.

However, I would like to hear from others on the blog – have you had a relationship – or relationships – on the side when things were rocky or not going well in your own? What made you do it? Do you regret it?


Comments Posted

Comment by Aron posted on Thu, 22/04/2010 00:41

Hey Rees,

The thing is I do tell my boyfriend that I need more communication from him. The communication is there on my part. I just don’t see it on his. He is reluctant to offer more communication because he doens’t see it as necessary. I don’t know how to convince him otherwise.

And I agree, looking over my post I think I was looking for a reaction to what I wrote. I was half expecting that half the bloggers would berate me for cheating on my boyfriend. I’m glad they didn’t though! But I guess what I really wanted was attention. Of course, the attention I want should be from my boyfriend but I think I substiute others for him at times. That’s where the sex with guys comes in. They represent the physical bits that I miss of our relationship. But beyond that, I find that I communicate quite well with these guys. We’re just getting to know each other. And, because it’s new, there are a lot of questions and interests shared. It’s what I’m missing from my relationship really.

I’m sorry to hear your experiences with girls has been so harsh. I hope you can find someone one day to be close to.

Comment by Rees posted on Tue, 13/04/2010 00:19

Hey Aron,

I’ve never been in a relationship or made real contact with another human being. There was a girl in Year 8 who asked me if I wanted to go out with her just before the summer holidays, then chucked me a couple of hours later in front of her friends after they didn’t approve. After the holidays she told me it was all a show and that she really wanted to go out with me, but that it would have to be in secret. Looking back, I think she thought she was a Capulet and I was a Montague, or more probably, that she was a Jet and I was a Shark. Or maybe just that I was too nerdy even for her: a girl I met during an optional summer school with a focus on scientific projects. Regardless, I declined her offer. Cut to Leaver’s Day in Year 11 and I have my first and only ever kiss, from a drunken friend who, when I saw the next day, politely asked me never to tell anyone about it ever, so I didn’t.

Anyway, the reason I tell you this is to highlight how absolutely unqualified I am to comment on your post and because it’s kind of funny as well. However, I felt that you were expecting a big reaction to your post, and I honestly didn’t have one… I was more taken with the way your partner has been acting despite you telling him plainly what you need from him… I realise that you may not want to share all you’ve written about here with him, but I think that you should let him know how much the lack of communication is affecting your emotional well-being. Going back to my experience in Year 8, the girl in question thought we were somehow dating all through the holiday, even though we hadn’t seen each other or spoken to each other, and she’d left me with no indication that she wanted anything more to do with me. I guess my point is that she thought a relationship was something that existed on a metaphysical level, that ran purely on desire rather than the result of communication and compromise between two or more different people. Obviously she had the wrong idea, and it sounds like maybe your boyfriend does as well. I hope that he realises how much you care about him and your relationship, and that you sort your problems out. Sorry I couldn’t share the experience you were asking for, but I hope that something I’ve said has been helpful, or at least entertaining.