challenges, fears, hopes and dreams….sometimes even thinking about the future can be too much…
looking towards the future…
wow…even the word is intimidating….the future…it means so many things: the unknown, challenges, obstacles, possibilities, choice, change, chance, success and potential failures…it also means being able to think beyond today, and that’s something we don’t always do when we are in the mire of depression. We are so in our head, in the moment, in the pain or the lack thereof that we don’t think, or can’t think beyond the moment. Sometimes, its just a dirty word we avoid….at least I do.
But there is a future, and like it or not, it has to be faced eventually.
So here I sit, facing this nearly blank screen, trying to sort out what I should write, and even feel, about my future. That may be harder than I first anticipated considering my future is really in a state of chaos right now, and I have no idea what it may truly hold. For two years, I’ve been trying to get my two kids here with me. Last year I utterly failed that when the UK Border Agency said that due to changes in 2008 to the immigration laws that my children’s visa applications would not be approved. I was gutted, but can’t say I was any more or less disappointed than my children were. So for two years, we’ve been apart. You see the UK changed it’s laws and if only one parent is here pursuing their education, I must either have sole custody of my children or provide a death certificate for their father. Sadly i had neither. So now I must face my ex in court as I beg the Judge to grant me sole custody of my children — taking his parental rights away from him. No matter how much of an arse he can be, and trust me he can be a real arse, i struggled with that guilt and perhaps still do — even though my therapist keeps telling me guilt is a waste of time. I have no idea how this will all sort out….and what the future holds for me and my babies. This makes me incredibly apprehensive, but I’m trying to stay positive and trust that it will sort out.
I also have some apprehension about my dissertation. I was supposed to start writing up this year, and the breakdown pretty much put that in the tank…while it was strangely helpful in a lot of ways…it means I have another year added on in order to finish. Four years instead of three. I’m not sure what the future holds there either, but I have a much better plan now, and even found the down time helpful to just thinking about my ideas and how to best frame them.
I’ve been involved in a long-term relationship pretty much since I got to the UKl. We’re facing some serious changes and challenges as well. You see we’ve been living together for the past 18 months….and when my kids get here, we’ve both decided that it would be best for him to have his own flat….I’m not sure he’s ready to become a full-time parent, and I know my kids will need some time to adjust to the UK before I throw a whole new person into the family. We also face some serious separation time this summer as he’s off to visit family in the Middle East and I’m off to another part of the world. For the first time in 2 years, we will be apart for two months (about 6 weeks of which we won’t be able to communicate because of our locations). So, inevitably, I will be struggling with my court battle without the one person I lean on the most. I’ll have to do it alone….and he has to face some family issues alone as well…. we wonder how we will deal with this without each other, and we’ve become well aware of how dependent upon each other we have become over the years.
Then there’s the future of my mental health….but I’ve learned not to second guess that…so i won’t even begin to try….
so much is yet to be decided….so many challenges ahead for me…in both the near future and in the years to come….but I’ll face them…one at a time…and while I know that this summer will try my stability and my patience…I’m going to find some way to make it through…
it’s times like these when Nietzsche’s words echo in my head….
‘you need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star’
if there’s any truth in that…I have a pretty bright dancing star waiting for me…i can hope … and that’s what my future will have plenty of….hope.
Here’s hoping your future provides you with plenty of dancing stars!!
Comment by Rees posted on Fri, 18/06/2010 20:04
“Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster…”
Another Nietzsche quote that’s stuck with me since I first read it (roughly seven years ago)! I generally draw something different from it every time I think about it, but I hope it might be of some use to someone reading this… I guess I just hope you maintain perspective of who you are during your upcoming battles, and that you emerge victorious out the other side!
Your comments about the future intrigue me only as they are so vastly different from mine… I’d love to exist only in the moment, lying in bed watching Daria and playing computer Yahtzee, it’s when I consider the future I get most depressed… I don’t see it as being any of the things you describe but rather like the past, only worse. I don’t see that for you, though, I get a really strong vibe off you… you’re obviously a fighter and you know what you want and you’re willing to work for it… there’s no doubt in my mind you’ll find the star you’re looking for.