Have I found new love or new heartbreak? Just started a long distance relationship type thingy, and though it’s full of mutual affection, I’m really really afraid…because I really really think this could be ‘the one’. So am I ready for love? Or am I readying myself for my biggest heartbreak ever?
A lot has happened this past incredibly busy November, so if all goes well, I’ll slowly catch u up on it and also write more about this upcoming December.
So far, this month has been a whirlwind. I was incredibly busy with research and work, sleeping very little and doing terrible hours. Then, I started a long distance relationship (well, we’re still figuring it out) with someone over in Hong Kong, and that’s been fantastic, but sometimes really quite draining since she’s so worried about the distance~And I actually met her through one of my best friends online on AsianAvenue (yes, someone out here still uses AsianAvenue)…Over the past month, we really got a lot closer, and last week, when I went to travel to Indonesia for a friend’s wedding, she took time off a busy work schedule to meet me in Bangkok, where my plane had a layover for 16 hours. We met there for the first time, and we had a very spontaneously passionate night together (ahem)…I guess the feelings we developed online were too strong, since we just planned to chat the rest of the night, but well, you know how things happen. It was wonderful, and no regrets, but it was pretty tough to say goodbye…especially for her.
I really think she could be the ‘one’, but there’s lotsa barriers…On one hand, i’m really quite happy that I’ve found her, but I am really afraid it’s going to blow up in my face. I like to think I’m strong and I can handle it…but what if I can’t? What if she find someone better and leaves me? We’ve talked about our obstacles and different scenarios, and I’ve communicated my strength…but I can’t help feeling that I really really want this to work out with her…If not, I might just lose my hope in the idea of ‘love’ for myself…and just give up that I can ever find true love. Is this too extreme of me? Can this be true love between us? We talk all the time, everyday, and we share our words of affection and longing to be with each other…and sometimes, I just want to just forget all my school and work, and just talk to her all day…It’s like she’s the most important thing in my life. Is that too much? Am I being too needy?
I’ve just been hurt way too many times in the past, and she has such a good heart. It helps that she’s incredibly attractive too. So could someone like this really like me? I know she has her doubts about me too. She feels irresistibly drawn to me, but she’s had so many bad relationships in the past, she doubts whether all the magical feelings she’s feeling for me are real. She says she’s never met a guy like me…but wonders if she can truly feel this way about me, when she’s only met me for like half a day. Me, I wonder if I’m so deeply afraid that I’ve just manipulated her feelings, by being there for her in a time of her weakness and showing myself to be a great guy. I’m a good guy! I’ve tried to be really real and authentic with her. but I can’t help feeling doubt and so scared…but mainly b/c she’s feeling so many doubts…even while she’s also expressing her deep affection and desire for me. I’m going to fly to see her in Hong Kong in a few months for a week…so maybe some answers will happen there. Anyway, this is going to be on my mind a lot, so I’ll try to update more often. I’m feeling okay these days…less lonely b/c of her…but I can’t help but feel that I’m just covering up a deep deep loneliness inside me that i’m just band-aiding. i did some reflection today and I found it hidden within me. What is that deep deep loneliness about? I don’t know~
Anyway, lemme switch it up a little: It’s December and Christmas is coming! yay~
Personally, I’m excited about it b/c I get to go home to the States for Christmas to see old family and friends. BUT…BUT…a big but is that I’m really afraid of telling my family and friends about this new Hong Kong girl I’ve been seeing. I’m so afraid that my friends and family won’t like her…I come from a very conservative religious background, and while my girl is open, she’s very…different. I’m just so afraid that I’ll be yelled out, scolded or told to get rid of her because she’s not they type of person I’m “supposed” to date. Can they accept her? Can they accept me? This girl has become one of the most important parts of my life now. But we have so many obstacles ahead. Can this work?
I’m also gonna really miss her not being there with me. Well, Christmas before has just really been a lonely time for me…No one to share it with, and now, I do have someone I want to share it with, but she won’t be here.
I predict I’ll feel quite lonely again…wishing she’d be here with me. I suspect she’ll feel quite lonely too. I don’t know what to do about that. I can’t fly over to see her yet for Christmas~ And what if I choose not to tell my friends and family about her? I’ll just be left alone, lonely, longing for no reason whatsoever. I suppose I can mention her…but…heck, I dunno. My mind is confused. All I know is that what worked for me for Christmas to deal with loneliness was to really spend time with family and friends…Sometimes going to a Midnight Mass church service I found really helpful too…some spiritual fulfilment to meet me in my loneliness.
I guess friends and family is the main thing~ But, I admit, when I leave home again, it’ll be tough to say goodbye to my States home. I hate goodbyes. I’m sure in January, I’m gonna be feeling pretty melancholy again~
But I guess the main thing is to keep connections close, and to make sure i keep in touch with those I care about~
Comment by Mia posted on Thu, 16/12/2010 21:42
hi josh, its really nice to read your blog and all i found myself saying throughout was aawww!!!!….i think one of the problems we face is that sometimes we over think situations, especially we it comes to relationship situations and about hurting each other etc, because at the end of the day no one can tell what will happen in the future. I have to say I agree with everything Jana has wrote and I don’t think I could put it any better =)…good luck with what ever is your decision and enjoy what you have because if she makes you feel on top of the world then that is the only thing that matters =)…..another very jealous person here lol take care x
Comment by Jana posted on Mon, 06/12/2010 01:17
hi josh, I love reading your blog. you are very good writer and obviously sensitive and sensible person too. that is a very good question you are asking yourself: is it going to be another heartbreak or happily ever after scenario… shame all this scientifically advanced world did not found test for it. you know like pregnancy test or drug test… would be so much easier… and SO BORING…. Similairly I( and I guess many other people…) could do with no more disapointments , but (as there is no test for it yet) we have to live our lifes to see how they go despite how bad or good visions of the future we have got. emotions are tricky things, they grow independetly from our will sometimes and I guess only way to try to keep out of trouble is to try to observe them closely but dont let them overpower situation. you must be closely bonded with your family if you so srongly wonderin what and if to tell them… It also means that you WANT to make it official, but you are affraid. That is a good start- wanting something 🙂 I would not rely on a week that you going spend together with your girl- surely it will be fairy tale 🙂 enjoy it ! I have been in a relationship like that over 1000nds miles , mine was fairy tale from a to z and none of us actually decided to change it into reality but you may 🙂 whatever you do be honest to yourself. best , best luck ( and a little bit of jellaousy to as I would love to be in love, but too scared 😉 )