So I’ve done it. FINALLY, I’m convinced I’ve found the love of my life. Soooo…if most of me is feeling so happy and so fulfilled, why is there still this big part of me that is so drawn to darkness and despair? Why am I always stuck in this cycle and can’t just enjoy myself?
A belated Happy New Year everyone! AND an early Happy CHINESE New Year to everyone too (Feb. 3 is Chinese New Year, and it goes on for 15 days after)
Well, I have some good Christmas news for you all….It’s good, but there’s always some nasty thorn that keeps bugging me.
But here’s the news:
I’ve done it… I’ve finally found love…and the love of my life…I really have. FINALLY. I alluded to it in previous posts, but now, there’s no uncertainty about this girl. She really is IT.
…….BUT BUT (there’s always a but)…the stickler is this….why does part of me still feel so sad when so much of me feels so happy? What is this strange, unchangeable darkness within me?
After almost a lifetime (if I’m not being too dramatic) of waiting and waiting for ‘the one’, I could not have asked for a better, more suitable person to call the love of my life.
But, still…..I feel as if, by gaining her, I’ve lost something…like I lost a part of myself…
But I’m not sure it’s a part of myself I wanted to keep…Because it’s the part of myself I’ve lived with for so long…my darkness, my ‘longing’ for the one, my ‘desire for the one’, and my ‘frustration at never finding her’. Now all these things are gone. Am I a complete idiot for somewhat missing those things?
It’s as if those decades worth of frustration, longing, anger, hurt, disappointment, rejection, and endless searching ……as if they’ve come to define who I’ve become. And in a lot of ways, they have…Obviously, on one hand, definitely in a negative way of course, by how those feelings just eat me up and sometimes have given me those nights where I just wanted to scream, yell, and wish I was not alive anymore. On the other hand…they were ‘part of me’, and big parts of how I had come to define myself over the years…and I actually used those negative things as strengths…I converted all this pain and darkness into strengths I could use to motivate me to success, and this PhD I’m doing now, to drive me to great success.
But now…I don’t have those anymore….because i’ve actually ‘found’ her…and she’s more than I ever dreamed of. And with her, on a significant level, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. But then….oddly, uncannily, strangely…disturbingly, this sense of ‘loss’ remains. I think I’m ‘addicted’ to my despair. As if I need it. And all I can think of to do now, is to re-encounter this underlying despair. OR maybe, it’s always been there…and I just covered it up with things like ‘rejection from girls’ or ‘frustration’ from this or that…Maybe, this despair and darkness is much more sinister than I ever imagined…So what do I do?
Even though there’s a big part of me that’s happy, it’s like I can’t let myself be happy…AND I’m finding it so difficult to motivate myself any longer…and, I’m finding that I’ve lost some of that ‘desire for empathy’ that I had when I felt like I was hurting inside…i feel like I don’t care so much anymore for people, but just care about sharing the love with my soulmate. i’ve become selfish. And I hate myself for that. But I know I also deserve this love I’ve found…I’ve been a great person, I think! And it’s not like I’m unspiritual either…I’m deeply spiritual and my belief in an Eternal Love has greatly fulfilled me since I can ever remember too. But still, this nagging darkness remains…It’s like a curse….
So, what’s wrong with me? I’m just in a perpetual cycle….where I’m unceasingly addicted to darkness….. So, then, is the answer to again befriend it some more? Do I need to rediscover my ‘need for pain’? Or is this just some sick, twisted game that my wounded psyche keeps playing on me? I’m stuck. I don’t know…. Why am I cursed? Maybe I’m like meant to be a cursed vampire with a soul or something…(ok, not I’m just referencing tv shows…but you know…)
Comment by Joshua posted on Tue, 15/02/2011 12:25
Hi Jenny, thanks for the encouragement. Yah, I find myself fighting it way more often than accepting it…and as you keenly picked up, I do feel shame and/or guilt about feeling it in the first place..But I know I need to accept this and befriend this. A slow process to be sure!
And you’re great, always reading my blog 🙂 Thanks!
Comment by Jenny posted on Sat, 12/02/2011 17:28
I understand completely what you mean about the ‘unchangeable darkness’. I feel it too and I feel so guilty for still feeling bad so often. But in the end I have to accept it as a part of me, and so does my partner.
I don’t think it means there’s something ‘wrong’ with you. It’s just a different outlook to some people. I think a lot of people feel the darkness in their own, different ways.