I haven’t been down in a while, but yoou know that feeling when everything just happens at once and your struggling to keep yourself afloat. Well that’s me.
I guess I feel I do have legitimate reasons to be sad and reasons for my struglles, but when you add extra on to that, questioning yourself, who you are, who you wana be and most of all, how people are perceiving you.
I just feel that I must be giving off negative vibes or something because this week has been terrible, I sense that I have upset people or they have let me know one way or another that I have upset them. One or two of them do not surprise me but the rest really do.
I am questioning myself, am I really this awful, selfish person that has no capacity to give, am I this person that just gets on peoples nerves? Generally I feel that I am liked but this week is proving different.
I am full of confusion at the moment internally, not to mention the heavy practical life I am trying to uphold at the moment.
Thinking about independent living, meaning moving out of the home I had lived in for 5 years almost now.
Rejections from uni’s although I have managed to secure a place at one of them at the moment, waiting on the last one.
Due to boundary relationships, people leave the house that I live in and there is no after contact, so saying goodbye is difficult.
I dont feel like I fit in anywhere at the moment ecxept when I am at college as this is where we are all going through the same thing, bloody difficult. 2 A Levels in one year. The work is never ending.
Diet is really important to me, but not to some people in the house that I live in so I get food put on the table that I don’t eat sound need to find anything in the house to make something healthy out of, which is a struggle also as people dont seem to understand that salad, fruit and veg are important. I mean I am not this super healthy person and have this belly that I just wana get rid of but how do I do that with shit food being provided for me.
Sorry that was a bit of a moan, something I am definitely looking forward to when I move out is having the responibility and power to eat what I like when I like and how I like.
Its mothers day today, my mother is no longer with me which you may already know if you’ve read my story. Trying to decide if I am trying to ignore the day or just get on with it. Can’t decide if she deserves to be remembered or not, after all she left me when I was a child.