It has been a while since my last post, however it feels like it has been a lot longer. I have yet to sit back and allow myself to think about the changes I have had to endure. I am unsure as to where to begin.
In regards to my course, all is going well. However my eating patern has diminished, my consumption of alcohol and cigarettes has increased, and I have returned to being ‘up and down’ most of the time. I would love to figure this all out but it would mean both stopping, and being allowed/having time to stop. I won’t let myself stop despite being physically and mentally unwell.
I did think that upon realising my negative feelings and being able to deal with them would mean that I could then make my life more pro-active, and hence would reduce depression. I have had about six weeks of university, work, side projects and other commitments. And now I am faced with a feeling of “Why am I even bothering, if I don’t feel better?”
Strangely, I am not sure that I believe that ‘how I feel really matters’ in regards to my studying. Our tutors want us in the studio from atleast 09:00 untill 17:00, I don’t lie in, I don’t get home before eight. Not for the tutors sake, for mine, but maybe I am asking too much of myself.
And reading this link has reminded me that I will feel much better to arrive home and cook well for myself and my flatmate (Cooking seems like some sort of theraputic process) and generally find constructive yet less intense tasks for the evening. Wine and cigarettes lead to a bad start the next day.