I’m not sure what to post.

My counselling has been going well and I’m settled with my counsellor, but everytime I go to these sessions I’m incredibly happy, talking almost constantly for an hour about all sorts of things, usually laughing and having a lovely time. This is becoming the model for my entire life again, which is nice, I feel like myself again, but not the same self as before because I’m both stronger and weaker.

So what is the problem? Why am I even posting on this blog?

Well, it’s easy for me to pretend that I am not upset. My counselling was going so well I’d considered stopping for good. I mentioned this to my counsellor- and because I wanted to stop, I felt like it was a good idea to continue (because I didn’t really want to, or see the point) I have a lot going on in my head (as everyone does) and it’s a lot of effort for me to remain positive throughout the week. I’m literally feeling exhausted mentally and physically, walking from place to place and contributing as much as I can, studying a lot and really pushing this positivity onto those around me. I’m almost cringing because I’m saying so many clichĂ© things, but at the same time I stopped caring so much about everything that was holding me back.

I had a bad childhood and now I’m left with a silly relationship with my family and a few friends here and there; that’s how things are and just because they don’t fit some silly expectation of what ‘my life should be’, doesn’t mean that I should feel bad or unhappy. This works for me.

I was talking to my counsellor and I said something along the lines of “At somepoint in the last 5 years, I made the decision to do what I wanted to with my life and if it doesn’t work out, then it’s just too bad.”

Here is a bonus level

Okay so this works wonders for me, it requires a bit of confidence!

Basically when you’re in a shop, just be really nice and talkative to the person serving you. Talk to people at bus stops or something- ask people how they are or how thier day has been. Nothing special, but just smile and say something like “have a nice day”

No I haven’t gone insane, I just love how uncomfortable this makes me feel, I really have to force myself into these conversations. It comes naturally at my work (cafĂ©) but outside of that context its harder- but it really is nice to make a wonderfully awful pun to someone you’re never going to see again. We’re social creatures and there’s a wealth of positivity to give and recieve in the day-to-day, and taking small steps like this helps me no end.