Unfortunately I have had some recent bad news regarding a very dear friend of mine who has been diagnosed with cancer and has been told that she doesn’t have very long left. She is like a mum to me, and if you have read my story then you will know that my mother committed suicide when I was a child. So to have this person in my life was like an opportunity to feel what it is like to share the most important feelings in your life without feeling judged, just loved still despite how you feel. Unconditional love I believe they call it.
I have only known for a few weeks now and trying to battle being at placement 3 days a week, uni the other 2 days of the week, keeping on top of my portfolio for my placement, writing essays, seeing my therapist 2 mornings a week, participating in a therapeutic community where I have the time and coping with the feelings that come with dealing with vulnerable people that I live with and what they bring, including going missing, overdosing etc, dealing with the intense family issues that are never ending with my numerous siblings AND then try and find time to play the sport I love that normally gives me a sense of release. However, at this time my head is so full that my performance at this sport is not what it should be making me lack confidence in myself.
It’s tough, somehow I am just keeping myself together. I am fortunate to a tutor that is very helpful, and people at my placement that I could disclose the very basic information about me too in order to gain some negotiation of my placement start time on the day that I have therapy in the morning at 7am.
So much to do, to think and try and stay on top of but so little thinking space, or time. I have had to drop some of the many things that I had been doing in the evening, the reffereing, the coaching that I had been doing. Down to a bare minimum, but things are still very hectic.
I am trying to use the support around me, but gaining support I am finding does take necessary head space and eats at your academic study time. I do hope things will balance out soon.