I have been thinking alot recently about how I deal with changes, how I always get nostalgic when I big change is coming and how it scares me (hence the title of this months blog) and I often wind up getting depressed and thinking that where I am now and what I did before is better and safer than what is ahead, that If I leave where I am now I will just be too unhappy and that any sort of change makes me feel like I just dont want to move forward. I used to be like this, until I came to University – however there is the odd occassion when I get a bit nostalgic and remember some of my happy memories from the last year and get terrified of what will happen next year and after I graduate until I drive myself so crazy I dont enjoy the every day! its ridiculous and if you are reading thing and cant relate to it, then just read ahead, and hopefully you can crack this silly habit too!
I have been thinking alot recently about how fast university actually goes. It Literally does not seem two minutes since I applied to go to College so I could pass the exams I needed to even come to University and now I am weeks away from finishing my second year…it’s crazy.
I got really down the other week and quite nostalgic, it’s so easy to spend your time living in the past and thinking that everything was better before and that change isn’t necessarily good, but it is! I was trying to get my head round the fact that in one year my I have moved out of Halls and moved in with my closest friends that I made and am about to move again and have had experiences that I will remember for the rest of my life.
As an older student compared to some of the others on my degree it has been totally suprising how much I have thrown myself into uni, I originally went into it with the idea that I would simply go and do my lectures and assignments and go home, I wasnt even going to stay in halls but then at the last minute, I decided, if I was going to do this, I was going to do it properly, we only get to go to university and live in halls and be young students once, and have all these amazing, fun, wonderful experiences once, you meet and make friends that you will keep for the rest of your life.
When I first started i kept myself in my room, it wasn’t until my second semester that I made my closest and best friends who I now consider my family, and I guess what I am trying to say is that it is so important to throw yourself into it, enjoy University, obviously it is so important to strike a great balance between work at Uni and enjoyment but University is about the whole experience and we are so lucky to be able to go to University and better ourselves and I think it becomes easy to get complacent. I know I did and it’s easy to think it will last forever and you will always be a student, but we wont.
I got really down the other week thinking that when I finish that’s it, and it will never be the same, I had some how got it into my head that my friendships wouldnt be the same, that we wouldnt be as close, because we wont be living together any more, we wont see each other every single day, and do everything we do now, and a part of me had begun to take for granted every thing we have. So what I am trying to tell you is, dont take it for granted, enjoy yourselves and also, dont be scared of changes ahead, just think how nerve wracking it was coming to University and how far you have come since and that everything you are doing now is to better yourself.
I never fully appreciated how much my life would change, how much I would change at University, but my degree and the people I have met have changed me in such a brilliant way and I am the sort of person that gets so emotionally involved in things that the thought of it changing often causes me to get depressed, but I am working daily at shifting my attitude so I can realise that change isn’t a bad thing, and that I am so thankful for the experiences I have been through and am really excited about my final year at Uni.
I have also been trying to balance work life and personal life, which again – as I am sure many of you are aware, is sometimes not easy, particularly with families. My family – if you have read my story is pretty complicated. Recently me and my mum have had some amazing times together, she was depressed years ago and suffered and struggled with it for a long long time, but the last several years has pretty much beat it and her life and our life in every way is totally different from my childhood which is amazing, I always had issues with my siblings and never understood why my mum would seem to jump to their defense when they were clearly in the wrong, and it really really depressed me for most of my life, that I could see these injustices within the family and no one seemed to see my point of view. I’m not just tlaking about petty fights here, I am talking about destructive patterns of behaviour, and when you are constantly surrounded by people who condone this behaviour it is easy to think its you that has the problem not them. But I never did, and that is what frustrated me so much, until recently, I had an open honest conversation with my mum and she finally told me what I had always wanted to hear, that she knew they were wrong, that it wasn’t Ok what had happened and that things needed to change. This single conversation caused such an incredible shift in my relationship and my feelings for her that it was like a renewal of my love for my mum, I mean obviously I always absolutely loved her to bits but it was like my resentment and anger at the situations finally got aknowledged and I could release it.
Families are always a tough one, they will always be the clincher for most people, the old cliche that no family is perfect is true! but, if you can try and come to terms with a situation in your mind, a strategy of how to deal with it that works for you, in a healthy way then that is the main thing.
I hope that if anyone out there is struggling with dealing with holding resentment inside, feeling like no one is listening to you, feeling frustrated and angry at someone close to you then just tell them, in a calm, controlled way, just tell them how you feel and talk to someone about it, just simply the act of talking is a release for your mind, to say the words out loud and have someone acknowledge your opinion and feelings is so important for well being and I want everyone who feels depressed or down to know there are so many people out there who help!
I know I have rambled on this month, lots on my mind I guess.
But as usual I want it to be a positive blog, I want to encourage everyone to just really relish the experience of University, love the fact that we are in the position to enjoy this, and to also not be afraid of changes, like the quote in my title, it something is scary (obviously by this I dont mean literally terrifying or negative things haha) I mean a new place,a new job, a new home, city, course, group of friends, whatever, if it makes you nervous and a bit scared, that is often a sign you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone into something better and it will be an amazing opportunity for growth and more exciting experiences!
Hope you are all having a good month so far and looking forward to some warmer weather and lighter evenings – I know I am
Roll on Spring