I’m just thinking about today in particular as it’s been a rather lazy and unproductive day and I feel so down – is it depression, I suppose it is if I wanted to call it that but I just think its a down day.
I’ve felt very un-motivated recently, I keep making plans but just have no energy to put them into action and everytime I try I just cannot find the energy, even writing this is proving difficult.
I keep worrying about the future and money and what I’m doing after university and I think that’s the scariest thing, it’s the biggest challenge of all for most of us. We actually have the power to make decisions about what to do with our lives.
I’ve recently suffered with a minor set back and to be honest, I am being quite childish about it. I’ll make this brief, I wanted to skip straight to masters by research without having to suffer through a taught masters first, as I don’t think there is much to be gained from it career wise or financially, but it seems now I may have to do one to really do what I want to do.
It’s sad and its annoying, and I literally threw my toys out and stamped my feet, “Why Can’t I have what I want when I want…” Which when you think about it, it’s really sad and childish.
I’m now realising fully that I’m an adult and have to make decisions about everything and it’s scary, I haven’t got the benefit of safe and secure parents, when I leave university, it literally is a matter of..Okay, I need somewhere to live, I need a job to actually pay rent, is that it then?
Are my dreams going on hold because I need to keep a roof above my head? I’ve fought for so long to get away from the dead-end job, no options life of my family, all for it to come to nothing, I might as well throw in the towel now and give up!
And I think that is what you call depression!
I’m very good at mantras and positive thinking etc but putting it into practice is really difficult, but again I think that’s just my feelings at the minute, I need to start being pro-active and for that I think I need to move back home, which luckily is in 7 days, cannot wait!
I love lists, I think I need to make some lists about what I need to achieve this summer, and most of it is just financial issues, I need to save just short of £2000 just to break even, but then I’ll be out of my overdraft which will be nice.
It’s a matter of being pro-active and at the minute, it’s just a mix of bad feelings because I can’t be asked!
But I have to power through, and realise that I can still do this.
Major ramblings today, but I just wanted to vent and to just type as I think, will try to be more structured in the coming few weeks!
Best of Luck everyone! x